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19 May 2012
5/19/2012 04:14:00 AM

It's a pretty quiet night on the Kelong with Jason, my bro and her.... Pretty nice company for the night... Something struck me and I just couldn't help but watch her fast aslp after a days work and yet willingly heading up to the Kelong with us... I touched my heart and I found the answer... It's simply cause I still loved her....

11 May 2012
5/11/2012 09:31:00 PM

It's been more than a month since we decided to call things off... recently... met up with her for a couple of times... one was a surprise visit she planted after dropping off her colleague then coming by in the wee hours of the morning. Today, i spent the entire day with her.... Went up to a kelong together to show her how it was like on a kelong... guess what my bro's gf said was right, we didn't end it all coz we didn't love each other anymore, it was more of not being able to compromise.... after the last few meetings, all i can say is that i still miss her dearly... and i want this r/s back... i'm prepared to wait... but i do not know how long it's gonna take... guess i'll just keep the faith in me for now.... =]

27 March 2012
3/27/2012 01:41:00 AM

26th Mar 2012
Met up with her for dinner. As much as i didn't have the courage to face the so called deadline... i told myself to go on and meet with her so i could hear what she had to say... i kinda told myself this could be over tonight but part of me still kept the faith in there. I wasn't gonna look forward to dinner that much... so when i got into the vehicle i asked her what she had to say the moment i drove out of the carpark... as expected... it felt as though my world had crumbled.... deep down inside me, i told myself this, stay strong and don't cry now. I put up a front.. still smiling and reminding her to stay strong... but i was already at a loss of words deep down inside me...it's like i'm having a complicated heart...

Don't know what to say now

Don't know where to start

I don't know how to handle

A complicated heart

You tell me you are leaving

But I just have to say

Before you throw it all away

Even if you want to go alone

I will be waiting when you're coming home

If you need someone to ease the pain

You can lean on me my love will still remain

Don't know what you're thinking

To me it seems quite tough

To hold a conversation

When words are not enough

So this is your decision

And there's nothing I can do

I can only say to you

So i went on to tell her things that i realised i just wanted to say to ease that uneasiness in the car, knowing that we have to eat dinner together afterall and if i went on to let it all out, i might just ruin her dinner appetite. Dinner wasn't too bad, we sat down at a corner of Carls' Junior and kinda had our meal. Pretty quiet throughout dinner but plenty of thoughts were going through my mind.

As we sat back in the vehicle and while reversing out of the lot, she asked me if i would be alright to remain as friends to probably head out for meals and all once in awhile, maybe retract our footsteps and started dating all over again so we could learn about each other from the start. Of course i told her.... then i cited examples of our friends Wilson and Mo... so i said why not... but in the mean time if there's someone out there ready for you, go ahead...

Guess the hardest part was when i was approaching home... turing into the estate and into the carpark. That was when reality hit me the hardest. Knowing how i truly felt deep inside me, i wasn't exactly able to hold myself together much longer. When i stopped the car, she requested for me to stay in the car a lil' longer with her and so i did.

By this time, my tears were already flowing down my cheeks and that she was quietly sobbing all the way since i turned the vehicle out of carl's junior. She showed me a text she read yesterday... i just quickly glanced through everything. I pretended that i was alright in the car, coz i didn't want to affect her that badly. We held each other in embrace for a couple of times, and i didn't really want to let go. But i knew i had to somehow. The hardest thing to do was when she told me... "Goodbye Bear....." and i replied her "Goodbye Bear's Baby...." That was actually a pet name we gave to each other. She cried and weeped, this time, not quietly. As i held her again for one last time... tears also flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks... I came home and i saw her toiletries.... her photos.... her towel hanging in my room... I tried several ways to tuck myself to bed but failed to.

Remembered when we were driving to the diners, i asked her if we could just leave each other's stuff the way it is and that just keep the keys we had for each other's homes... my excuse was that probably if we need to freshen up and all we know we have things at each other's home.... but truly deep down inside me, i prayed the day would come soon for us to get back together.... knowing that it's close to impossible but i will still keep the faith in there....

It is in times like this i wished i could turn back to clock....

I begin to weep

If I could have it over

Live my life again

I wouldn't change a single day

(Chorus)

I wish that I could turn back the clock

Bring the wheels of time to a stop

Back to the days when life was so much better

Lying here in silence

Of a boy I still resemble

But I no longer understand

And as the tears run freely

How I realise they were the best years of my life

You might say it's just

A case of giving up

But without these memories where is the love

Where is the love

If I could have it over

Live my life again

I wouldn't change a single day

(Chorus)

Why can't I turn back the clock

Bring the wheels of time to a stop

Back to the days

Oh no no

I remember when

Life was so good

I'd go back if I could

Oh oh I wouldn't change a single day

Don't let the memories slip away

I wouldn't change a single day

Don't let the memories slip away

And I still can't sleep

Remembering my yesterdays

I begin to weep

If I could have it over

Live my life again

I wouldn't change a single day

(Chorus)

I wish that I could turn back the clock

Bring the wheels of time to a stop

Back to the days when life was so much better

Lying here in silence

Picture in my hand

Of a boy I still resemble

But I no longer understand

And as the tears run freely

How I realise they were the best years of my life

You might say it's just

A case of giving up

But without these memories where is the love

Where is the love

If I could have it over

Live my life again

I wouldn't change a single day

(Chorus)

Why can't I turn back the clock

Bring the wheels of time to a stop

Back to the days

Oh no no

I remember when

Life was so good

I'd go back if I could

Oh oh I wouldn't change a single day

Don't let the memories slip away

I wouldn't change a single day

Don't let the memories slip away

There would have been many things that i would wanna change....
like loving her more... cherishing this relationship even more.
I regret the days i lost my temper at her...
i regret not showing her more love...
i regret not opening up to her more than ever.....
I have never loved her cause her dad was a great businessman...
i have never loved her coz she stayed in a condo...
i loved her for who she was...
someone who would stand her grounds and fight for what is right...
Before i sign off... i really wanna thank her for all that she's done for me and the family...
Always being there for me... supporting me for the right course...
someday maybe she'll come back into my arms...
In the meantime... i wish her the best of luck for her future endeavours....
and she'll be missed dearly by me... and Trax...

21 March 2012
3/21/2012 10:39:00 AM

Had a long and quiet time on board the Kelong yesterday night thinking about my whole relationship. When i told her how i felt, she said things like she doesn't feel that she's worth it all afterall. I had not more than 3hours in total of sleep since that night when she poured out her feelings in the car. I just couldn't rest. I told her that i had been thinking of how i'm supposed to be giving her, her personal space during these times and yet trying to prove to her that i'm sincere in wanting to open up my heart to her, yet i get discouraging remarks such as she's not my everything and all. She doesn't know how exactly i'm feeling and yet when i tell her how i'm feeling, i get such answers. It is very discouraging when here i am trying to amend things and yet on the other side, it ain't helping me much.... Sigh.... I'm trying my very best to stay strong and try to get things back on track... but how? I just pray there'll be a path lit up for me... showing me the path to recovery. Really huge thanks to some of her closer friends who have been there helping me along the way... Guess it's not going to be easy.... head's spinning, BP Med also depleted.... i can't go on thinking like that. I really need to get some rest....

Wanted to ask her out for dinner before i start work tonight, but i just can't pluck up the courage to do so...

sigh

20 March 2012
3/20/2012 05:48:00 AM

Woke up with swelling of my eyes... i woke up to reality.....

3/20/2012 02:37:00 AM

I know i haven't came here for a very long time.... coming to a year 1 reckon.
Life has been ok in terms of career wise. I finally had a confirmation of a change in role in my department. Something i had always looked forward to.. probably lesser shift work patterns... so that i could spend more time with my dearest and of course do things i have always wanted to do during my free time.

Relationships matter on the other hand do not look that bright after what happened today.

My gf called me earlier on while i was at Changi with a colleague awaiting another friend to pass him something. Then there came an sms asking me if i could meet her in the carpark just behind our usual supper haunt.

I had a hunch that something was going to happen since a couple of weeks back... her smses seemed colder than normal, she would not update me on her whereabouts like how she would do so in the past. I hung in there... thinking she might be busy or as usual tired from work commitments. I knew how much work meant to her and all. Luxury line has been something she had always wanted to do thus yea.

When i met her in the car, there was an awkward silence before she broke it with the opening phrase of "I have thought about it......" And i knew something was gonna hit me hard. I kept pretty silent to hear her piece. Prior to heading to changi, i had a good chat with my buddy Dev and told him about my insecurities. I had a premonition that something was gonna happen and it wouldnt be pleasant.

And so the conversation went on in the vehicle and i kept very quiet most of the time trying to suppress my feelings and emotions. Well, i just felt throughout the entire conversation, she just didn't have the courage to voice out a breakup though i sense it would turn out that way at the end of the day. We poured our true feelings out and i told her why i had behaved so differently from my previous relationship.

My gf is a strong-headed gurl and i know most of the times she meant me well. I have always appreciated her presence in my life. She was an inspiration and an aspiration as well to keep me going to achieving greater goals. I knew in terms of education i would never be able to surpass her but i told myself i would want to better myself so that the gap between us both would be marginal.

I know that there might be no turning back in this relationship. Much as i'm mentally prepared, emotionally i wouldn't be able to let go of everything. 3+ years and counting, i've grown accustomed to a certain routine. A routine that revolved very much around her. I'm not saying that it's bad but i've never felt like that for a girl for a very long time.

Over the last few months, i have been planning to get my savings done up. Probably be able to afford a nicer ring to move one notch higher in the relationship. Dev has also been by my side as a great buddy and have helped me.. we joke and we laugh about everything but i know he's been very supportive of my decisions.

Many of my closer friends including my boss have one way or another mentioned that i've changed. Even my gf have said that. I don't know. I didn't feel it. 1 example was my temper. I have told myself this before... "No point losing your temper so easily, it hurts pple... and someday the one that hurts most may be the one you have always loved in life..." So as time went on, i have learnt to cool off.

One thing for sure, my love for her has never diminished. I even spoke to Dev about what i wanted to do after getting my bonus and all. Guess what... it was all about her. I did promise my dad and brother that i would buy them a jersey each.... but it was her that i really looked forward to spending my time with after i get my bonus and would wanna really cherish the times we would have before i start afresh in I&I Div.

I know it wasn't easy for her to catch hold of her own cool. I didn't bear to walk away from the car after i alighted in the carpark but i knew it wouldn't help so i walked away trying very hard to control my emotions. Took 2 sticks of cigs at the nearby corner out of sight before i caught hold of myself and walked back to Dev and Francis, keeping a smile though i know they would have guessed what had happened.

On the way home, Dev just said one thing to me when i said i'll be ok.... "Bro... your eyes says it all..." I guess the eyes is something that can't hide lies... Even when i'm typing this out, my mind isn't with me. I know i might be losing something that is so important in life. It's already 2am and as tired as i am, i can't bring myself to sleep.

As Dev was driving out of the carpark, i kept my eyes fixed onto the carpark entrance she was at... as we were driving down Loyang, i couldn't take my eyes off the side view mirror hoping to see her driving behind us.... when we reached my place and took the last stick of cig, 3 cars entered my estate.. but non was her... i am truly devastated deep down emotionally.

It is only times like this when i'm alone in the room that i can truly let my emotions out... I really can't bear for all these to happen and i don't want to.. i've really learnt my lesson in life that a relationship should have an open communication and that if i really do get another god-sent chance, i'll truly cherish it... The hardest thing that i had to do when i got home was to see my lil' doggie hold him.. and i broke down.. deep inside my heart saying to him that Jie² may not come over anymore. I went through the toiletry shelf and say her items... opened my cabinet and saw her space that i rightfully gave to her to put her sleep clothes.. turned my head left at my computer desk and saw our photo taken when we were at Labrador Park... opened my wallet and saw 2 photos we took... one was on the way to USS during SC's Family Day and the other was during our crazy last min decision to watch the YOG finals that she really wanted to... last but not least i removed my necklace and held the ring tightly in my palm... praying that there wouldn't be a day i'll have to hide it away.

Remember just the other day we were talking about getting new pillows for my bed using the voucher that i won from a bowling tournament. Now everything seems like there's no need for it.

Memories of our Batam Trips... drive up to Malacca... all came flooding into my head. Yes we did have our fair share of disagreements and what-nots... but all were so blurry... one thing that i can truly remember is how she would put her hands around me when we spend the night together, despite knowing that i had problems falling aslp at night sideways. It was always her hugging me to bed and those are the times i really feel so fortunate and loved. I really do not want those to end.

But i know she has her reasons to call things off if she wants to and i'll respect her decision as much as i hate to do so.. My principle in life is to ensure that everyone around me is happy and that's why i always shield everyone around me and take the rap whenever i can. I know she's unhappy about this... but that's the least i can do for my loved ones... my dad, my brother, my lil doggie... and last but not least... my dearest gf... I wouldn't mind taking the bullet for them and even to die for a good reason, i would do it. For as long as they are safe and sound.

I just pray when i open my eyes in the morning... all these that has happened is only a nightmare that ain't true. I pray we'll overcome this hurdle together... and one day truly build up a family together to compliment each other... till then... I Love you Ashley, Polar Bear's Baby....

Forever here... always loving you hun....